Tuesday, June 5, 2007

All I want is to have coffee by the bridge

I woke up today and had the worst feeling ever. I'm 19. Already? It's a scary era where all that my housemates ever talk about is getting hitched, and all the boys seems so, well, so. Full stop. I haven't found any word in the dictionary that could express that thing most accurately. Then I just pulled the blinds over and watched the sky from my bed. Autumn. It's all dark and murky during this season. I don't feel like waking up, because once i place my feet on the carpet, it signals the start of a day of papers and books and God forbid results for my previous tests.
If I die today, right this second, what will I regret most? I mean, besides all the crap I've been doing in my actions. It will be a life not lived. A life where all I did was follow the world, instead of the world following me. I grew up with school and books, and live my life along them. Stress? Exams are coming. Happiness? I got superb grades. Depression? I flunked my algebra.
Nothing in my life, it seems, revolve from anything else except education. My parents take pride in me being all smart, and I'm glad they feel that way. I love that feeling too, you know, being all above people and everything. But honestly, if there's this one wish that I could possibly have, it's just to chuck everything aside, move to London, start a career designing bags and shoes, and travel.
I know, I sound like those girls who got in the Oprah show, saying things like 'I hated my life, that's why I took math drugs and decided to jump off a building, bla bla bla.' For one thing, who the hell said drugs can cure? i mean, sure, you get stoned and you don't have to face the misery of being just a bullshit to the world, but come on. Once the whole 'high' thing is over, you'll become a miserable bullshit all over again. So you might as well get over it in sanity.
And plus, I'm not saying I hated myself. I don't. I'm grateful for what I already have, but I just knew, I just know, that there are so much more to life than just books. I live in a staple world where you're either academically smart or just plain dumb for anything else. Nobody cares much about boots. By boots, I mean alternatives. A life of travelling. A life of enjoying the moments of having coffee by the bridge. A life of freedom to do what we want as long as it's right.
Sometimes, I just hated everyone around me. They only remind me of the boring life. The life where all my girlfriends ever do is gossip and bitch behind someone else's back. I'm tired of gossiping. Waste of time, and a waste of space. What do I care? It's not that my life is perfect that I can actually judge other people now. I hate people judging me, so why am I jugdging people?
Then there are the boys. They're nice boys, if I may say. They're great friends. Not the kind of all-i-think-about-is-getting-laid kind of boys. They actually have personalities. But sometimes I get so sick of them as well. We come from this different world where there's a set of mentality. It has nothing to do with my religion. In fact, bless my religion, it's the only thing that I could rely on. I seek solace in this one truth and one belief. I feel like the nobody understands me and complete me more than God. I'm glad for that.
Okay, anyways. I hate the 'mentality'. After writing this, I realise that it's not the problem with the people. It's the problem with the mentality. So that's my worst enemy.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Why God Created Rain

I finished class at 3 p.m today, and by the time I walked out of the lecture hall, it was raining really heavily. It wasn't like those tropical, heavy raindrops I used to get, what with the scary thunders and lightnings and all. It was a silent shower, the kind that creates a mist around, and it's only until you're standing in the middle of it that you know it's a heavy shower.
Well, I wanted to get home quickly, since I haven't done my yoga for days, so I decided to walk it through. The water was like ice, and it made me wince everytime the wind blows it to my face. But somehow, it felt kind of good, actually. The smell of it, is just really fresh, and your clothes are all wet, and you're cold all over. It felt like the nature's way of cleansing. It felt good, although I was shaking like anything when I got home. Plus I didn't even have a jacket to cover my face, only a plastic file with my lecture papers in them.
It was a good twenty minute walk home, and as splash-splash-splash goes my Sembonia shoes in the puddles and water drains, I felt like I was walking down the London streets. God I loved that city. I love the busy streets and the classic buildings and the misty rain that always seem to surround it. Coldness is misery when you're walking outside, but sometimess it feels good, like reality, freshness of something that comes from nature straight to you. When I'm standing in the rain, I feel kind of at peace with myself, like I can sit there for hours and think about everything. And I mean everything, like my dreams and ambitions, my search of something that's so much more than I could see, and my family.
The overcast and grey skies always remind me of my family. I love it, I love everything about my family. I think about my father's hard work and his devotion to my mother, and it makes me want to be that lucky in love too. And my mother's pure, pure heart. She's the kind of woman that I want to be. She found what was hers, and she embraced it. And my siblings are more than I could ask for.
When I got home, I was a huge sloppy mess. But it's good to be home. It's good to see the rain pouring outside and knowing that I'm safe inside. Then I changed to my pyjamas, made a cup of tea, and here I am, sitting by the window and watching the rain. I see rooftops of houses, and the infinite murky sky. Cars drive by down the street, and it's all misty around. I watch the water on the roadside moving fast. Can life turn extraordinary? Can we get more than what we see? Can in one minute, something happens to you, and it makes you love living all over again?
Rain. It's a simple, natural thing, but everyone have their own secret story behind the pouring water and blowing wind. And more suprisingly, one person might have the same story as you do. The same story about the dark sky, the icy water and that smell, that smell that's just indescribable. The smell of water and grass and cold and wind, all mixed up in one. I don't know anyone who hates that smell.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Global Warming: Save Trees and VIRGINITY!

Okay, I think the title speaks for itself. I'm not just saying this because I'm a virgin, or anything. It's just that nowadays, come on, people, let's just face it, sex is everywhere! I used to be a huge fan of Grey's Anatomy, but unfortunately, not so much anymore. It used to be a real great drama about life, now I think it's just a cliched, boring drama as an excuse to display random sex between everyone and everyone else.

I know, I may sound like someone who practically lives in another planet and am having a huge culture shock issue. And I know it's sooo normal, people do it all the time, and they do it everywhere, and talking about it is like the most natural thing in the world. But seriously, there's got to be a reason why we're born with VIRGINITY. I'm pretty sure there's a better reason why people are born with virginity that lasts only once. If there's no purpose for it, we would all be born without one, right?

Think about it. If you want to get married, wouldn't it be so much better to be with someone that truly loves you that they'll share that one thing, just with you and no one else in the whole world? And if she or he is not a virgin, I mean, what's so special of you for being their partner? You'll be no different to the rest of other 10 guys or girls who've already scored with her. And the other 10 guys or girls would know exactly what you've got. In details.

Some people might say, if you want to buy a car, you should at least take it for a test drive, as a metaphor to marriage. So you test drive it, and you find that it's good, and so does the other 6 cars that you tested. But the car that you would really want, that would be the car that you've seen in the commercial for a long time and have wanted it for so long, that you wouldn't mind buying it straight away without test driving it. Then once you've got it, well, you'll really appreciate it because you've been wanting it for so long. Does my metaphor get you?

Even Jessica Simpson said that it was worth every second waiting. And personally, I really do think that girls who give themselves freely are really kinda silly. I mean, obviously the guy would just want you for your booty. And there's this campaign i saw on TV. It says, if you get pregnant, do you actually think he'll love you more? If he walks away, then you'll pretty much be left behind, being a sad single mum, without any spouse's support. If he really loves you, then, well, he would really want to be responsible for you, right?

Well, enough said. I've got a one-week camping trip tomorrow. Got to get my ass in gear.

Friday, April 6, 2007

How to disappear and come back

Have you ever felt like you just want to go away, like really go away right there and then, and leave your old life for a while? I think I have that all the time.

Everybody knows, i think, that I'm the sort of person who loves crowds. I like being around friends and attending parties and gatherings, and a person who knows me would tell you that I'm really as loud as you can get.

I'm secretly a dreamer, I think. There are times when I wish to just be still. You know, just to be still and watch the world go by. Like in a party, there are these moments, when I'm sitting down with a drink and everyone is doing everything around me, I suddenly feel lost. Not lost in the sense that I don't have any friends or a date, but just lost as in everyone is doing something and moving, and I just want to stop doing anything and watch the world moving by itself without me in it. It's so busy, I think, with the world chasing nothing and me racing through my life.

So this is what I do. I'll just lie on ground. Any ground, and lie of my chest with one ear intact with the floor. Sometimes I do it on a cold day at a green field, where the grass smells like flowers, or sometimes just on the floor in my room. Then I'll just lie really still, and listen. I could feel the world pass by, I really could. The cars outside my window passing by with speed. Some unidentified sounds from the distance, maybe birds or just the pipes in the walls. My housemates going downstairs for coffee. TV blaring.

I wouldn't go to sleep. It's impossible, I think, to go to sleep when the world is passing by with such speed, and you're left behind, stuck there in that time when you're lying down and listening to it leaving you behind. Somewhere, in some other part in this world, I might think, right there and then, when I'm lying there and listening, something big is happening. Like a child being born, right that second, or a person whose life is taken away, right that moment. Or even more, that someone else, somewhere, is doing exactly what I'm doing, just lying down somewhere and just listening.

You wouldn't believe how long one could actually do that. Just hours, and I wouldn't feel much time has passed. And when I sat up again, when I start to live again, it feels totally different. Like I've been somewhere, and came back. Someplace when nobody knows me and time stops, and now I've come back to the busy world.

Monday, April 2, 2007

Why Boots Always Win Over Books

I woke up as usual today. Had my pancakes and cereal, then headed off to finish some last minute assignments. God knows why the hell did I chose this course for college anyway. The lecturers assume that we're some kind of assignment machines, and even if I am a machine, all my screws will be popping out by now.

So i walked back home from college after sending in the papers, and then my alter ego started to kick in. If I have one choice, one free choice, to do whatever it is that I want now and not worry about the consquences, what will I do? Well, for starters, I'd drop the course immediately, since I wouldn't have to worry about my scholarship any longer. Then I'd put down my hair, put a nice top on, comfortable pumps, and go out shopping like mad, because I wouldn't have to worry about my bank account. Then I'll go out dancing the whole night in the city, since that's what I've always loved doing, without worrying that my mom would kill me, bring me to life, and kill me again.

See? The path I've so chosen is not even this close to the path that I've always wanted to go. Regrets? We all have them. But really, regrets won't get you anywhere. I wouldn't just sit by the drain and sulk at my fate, but I will have to live it instead. Not everyone's lucky. Not everyone is born with a credit card stuffed in her mouth, or the fantasy life that we all secretly have at the back of our minds.

People think I'm blessed. I have a considerably stable family. I say that because I don't like the superficial statement. I have a loving family, my parents are the best. The best as compared to what? A deranged prosecutor? It's superficial. My parents are good parents, and I'm grateful for my family. I think my life could actually be used for a 'good life' advertisement. Raised well. Boarding school. Good college. Bright future. I'm probably the girl that has it all. But when I'm here, when I'm breathing it all in, the success, the pride, I feel... kind of bored.

Bored. Yeah, that's probably the most accurate way of saying it. I found this boring, boring girl who lives a planned life. Grow up, live, work, then die. What happened to Mia Thermopolis, whose world was changed when she became royalty? Or Haley Scott, who got married with a highschool sweetheart and went on a concert tour? Or Elle Woods, who got to law school and fashion school at the same time? They seemed to have those things that I've been looking for, excitement. Adventure. Drama.

So why would boots win? Because if I could, I would walk by the London Bridge at night with another person in my Christian Dior boots. I would wear my ugg boots and enjoy the scenery of the Alps mountain while sitting on a large rock with a tea in my hand. I would smile by the Eiffel Tower in my Chanel boots when I find out that he's the one, just by looking at his smile. And I would walk by Saks Fifth venue with shopping bags all over the place and my Coach ankle boots intact.
Life is short, that's the typical thing that we would say. I want to do things, lots of things. But not anything wrongly extreme. There's a reason why religion limits your words and actions, and I am a huge believer in that. So as I'm sitting here, with my assignments all over the place, my exams coming around the corner, and my social calendar full with unwilling events, I'm wondering, when can I do something?