I woke up today and had the worst feeling ever. I'm 19. Already? It's a scary era where all that my housemates ever talk about is getting hitched, and all the boys seems so, well, so. Full stop. I haven't found any word in the dictionary that could express that thing most accurately. Then I just pulled the blinds over and watched the sky from my bed. Autumn. It's all dark and murky during this season. I don't feel like waking up, because once i place my feet on the carpet, it signals the start of a day of papers and books and God forbid results for my previous tests.
If I die today, right this second, what will I regret most? I mean, besides all the crap I've been doing in my actions. It will be a life not lived. A life where all I did was follow the world, instead of the world following me. I grew up with school and books, and live my life along them. Stress? Exams are coming. Happiness? I got superb grades. Depression? I flunked my algebra.
Nothing in my life, it seems, revolve from anything else except education. My parents take pride in me being all smart, and I'm glad they feel that way. I love that feeling too, you know, being all above people and everything. But honestly, if there's this one wish that I could possibly have, it's just to chuck everything aside, move to London, start a career designing bags and shoes, and travel.
I know, I sound like those girls who got in the Oprah show, saying things like 'I hated my life, that's why I took math drugs and decided to jump off a building, bla bla bla.' For one thing, who the hell said drugs can cure? i mean, sure, you get stoned and you don't have to face the misery of being just a bullshit to the world, but come on. Once the whole 'high' thing is over, you'll become a miserable bullshit all over again. So you might as well get over it in sanity.
And plus, I'm not saying I hated myself. I don't. I'm grateful for what I already have, but I just knew, I just know, that there are so much more to life than just books. I live in a staple world where you're either academically smart or just plain dumb for anything else. Nobody cares much about boots. By boots, I mean alternatives. A life of travelling. A life of enjoying the moments of having coffee by the bridge. A life of freedom to do what we want as long as it's right.
Sometimes, I just hated everyone around me. They only remind me of the boring life. The life where all my girlfriends ever do is gossip and bitch behind someone else's back. I'm tired of gossiping. Waste of time, and a waste of space. What do I care? It's not that my life is perfect that I can actually judge other people now. I hate people judging me, so why am I jugdging people?
Then there are the boys. They're nice boys, if I may say. They're great friends. Not the kind of all-i-think-about-is-getting-laid kind of boys. They actually have personalities. But sometimes I get so sick of them as well. We come from this different world where there's a set of mentality. It has nothing to do with my religion. In fact, bless my religion, it's the only thing that I could rely on. I seek solace in this one truth and one belief. I feel like the nobody understands me and complete me more than God. I'm glad for that.
Okay, anyways. I hate the 'mentality'. After writing this, I realise that it's not the problem with the people. It's the problem with the mentality. So that's my worst enemy.
